See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him. Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when Christ appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is. – 1 John 3:1-2
What was your first memory of your father? Was he a good, kind, loving father, or was he cold, unloving, and abusive? My father was away from home a lot, and when home, he was all too often in a drunken rage. When I was a small child, we moved into the Projects, Duggan Park at Paige Boulevard and Godwin Street in Indian Orchard, Massachusetts. The buildings had been erected in the fall of 1951, mostly for veterans returning from World War II and who had little income.
Like many such housing developments, crime, drugs, and appalling violence pervaded Duggan Park. I remember the first week after we moved into our place: Our next-door neighbor hanged himself in desperation. We never went to bed hungry because Dad brought home food that he had scavenged from the local dump. He was working there at the time, and food was thrown away, he would collect it.
The first time I went there with him, I saw what I thought was some white chocolate, but the rats terrified me. There was an old man sitting in a rocking chair. He called me over, handed me a stick, and said, “Here, boy, don’t be afraid of the rats.” I didn’t know that “white” chocolate was milk chocolate that had gone bad and been tossed out by the stores. One day my five-year-old sister, Sherry, stuck a fork into the toaster trying to remove a piece of toast. She was being electrocuted. I instinctively ran to find my mother, but something told me to go back. I started toward the plug as she cried, “Don’t pull the plug; don’t pull the plug.” As I ignored her calls and yanked it from the wall, she collapsed. An ambulance came and, fortunately, the attendants were able to revive her.
One of the most pleasant experiences I recall as a child was an outing with my darling Aunt Ginger, Mom’s sister. She took me, my siblings, and my mother to Brooklyn, New York, to attend a Passover Seder and Bar Mitzvah. As the treat of all treats, she and Uncle Art, an avid Yankees fan, took us to see a baseball game. I can still hear him yelling, “Throw the bum out!” When we got home late Saturday night, my father heard us and stomped to the top of the stairs. He was in his underwear and in a rage, cursing and screaming, “Shut up!” Uncle Art made a terrible mistake when he spoke up in our defense.
My father, a large man—six feet four inches, about 230 pounds, flew down the stairs in the dark. He hit Art in the face, breaking his nose. Dad then backed Uncle Art through the screen door and out onto the front lawn. I could hear Aunt Ginger screaming and my mother and all the kids crying. It was heartbreaking to have our wonderful outing end with such brutality. When you have no memories of a good father, how can you embrace Father God and trust Him to be a Good Father?
My first thoughts of God were exactly the same as those of my earthly father: an angry, mean, judgmental entity whom I could never please and who would just as soon cast me into hell as not. My father claimed to be a Christian and carried his Thompson Chain Reference Bible to church every Sunday. There were many things I knew about my father, but one well-kept secret came as a total shock. You might imagine my surprise when I recently learned that I have a half-sister.
My family had no idea that for over a decade he had had an affair and had fathered three other children. I met one of them, Ann Marie, while writing my newest book. She had been adopted at birth and never knew that we had the same father. Hopefully, you have not endured the physical or emotional pain that I have. You may, however, have experienced rejection and been wounded. It may be difficult for you to view God as a Good Father. My prayer is that God will open your eyes and spirit to how beloved and cherished you are.
Ann Marie grew up unaware that she was my sister. She was not told she was adopted until she was 40 years old. Her birth mother, who had never been married, had three children—another girl and a boy. Ann Marie began her search to locate her brother and sister through DNA databases and found me during the process. She had never met her birth father but discovered that he was Robert Evans, the name of my father. I shared my testimony with Ann Marie and talked to her about our shared hurt at the hands of our earthly father and about the Good Father.
I told her that my father did not believe I was his son and violently abused me, two times almost killing me. The second time, I awoke in a fetal position covered in my own dried vomit and crying out, “Why was I born?” I shared with Ann Marie that God has taken everything that had happened in our lives into account. I explained He could make everything up to us, that our mess could be turned into a message and a miracle. We didn’t have to be defined by our birth circumstances. I told my newfound sister that she was a child of the Most High God, that our Heavenly Father wanted to affirm us.
I related all the times He had affirmed me and that He is a Friend who will stick closer than a brother. “Ann Marie,” I said, “our Good Father will give you the approval that you never could have had from your birth father.” I shared with Ann Marie that God appeared to me when I cried, “Why was I born?” He called me son and told me He loved me and that He had a great plan for my life. I assured her, “Ann Marie, you are fearfully and wonderfully made.” Ann Marie told me about the day a young man (her brother) went to Robert Evans’ door while searching for his birth father. When the visitor revealed who he was, my father—and his—came through the front door with shotgun in hand, screaming, “Get off my property or I’ll blow your head off. Your old lady’s a whore!”
I shared with her the story of me as a youngster finding a jackknife in the snow one day and proudly showing it to my father. He flew into a rage and screamed, “God hates liars.” He then stripped me naked, dragged me down to the basement, and began to beat me with an extension cord. He shouted, “I will beat you until you tell me the truth,” and then almost beat me to death. I shared with Ann Marie that I had forgiven my father unconditionally, even though I did not trust him or condone his actions. I disclosed that I had not given up on my dreams because God had said I was His child and He loved me.
“Ann Marie,” I reassured her, “the Good Father will break generational curses. He has taken into account everything you have not received and every person who has wronged you. The Good Father is watching over you and has designed a plan for wounded men and women. God will send the right people to make it up to you, just as He has done for me.” I cautioned her not to stop dreaming, not to become bitter, and not to accept the role of a victim. I explained to Ann Marie that I never had the affirmation I needed from my father, but I’ve had that from my heavenly Father and from my partners. I explained that her Good Father has taken everything into account as a part of His plan to help her reach her destiny.
I said that her test will become a great testimony, that God will repay her, as He is a Father to the fatherless. Our father and grandfather were racists and alcoholics and violently abusive men. My father died on a Friday. He told me just before he died that he had dreamed he held some black stones in his hand. His grandfather had given some to his father and then gave two to him. When he tried to pass them along to me, they became white stones in my hand. He wanted to know what that meant, and I replied that the Good Father had broken the generational curse. I would never know those curses, nor would my son or his son. The following Friday, my grandson, Michael David Evans III, was born.
Knowing well my father’s habits, it should not have been at all upsetting to learn that he had been unfaithful to my mother. My earthly father had been equally unskilled at being both a husband and father. Although a faithful churchgoer, Dad was not a particularly astute biblical scholar—at least not in those areas that could have made a vast difference in our home life. He excelled in the “spare the rod, spoil the child” philosophy, and in the “wives, submit” attitude but had little use for “provoke not your children to wrath,” and “husbands, love your wives.” He had also apparently skipped right over Exodus 20:14, “Thou shalt not commit adultery.” He was not a good father, but he could not stop the Good Father’s plan for my life.
Over 200 times the Old Testament describes God as the Lord of hosts. David used this term more than anyone, and with good reason. David said, “The Lord of hosts is with me.” The Word of God is true. Trust it more than anything else. Believe me when I tell you that your Good Father is much closer than you think. Believe that He is more committed than you think, and believe that God is more ambitious than you think.
Believe in God’s mighty Word. At times, you may have problems with words. You may get into disputing other people’s words. Did you ever hear anyone call someone else a liar? It is easy not to have a lot of confidence in people’s words. However, your mistrust of others will desensitize you to the words of God, so when you hear His words, you don’t trust them as you should. Before you go to sleep at night, let the last words that go into your spirit be the words of God. David declared: “The Lord of hosts is with us” (Psalm 46:11 kjv). In Hebrew, the word host means “an army ready and poised for battle.” David also said, “I am kept. The Lord keeps me.” The word kept in Hebrew means “to hedge about as with thorns, to guard, to protect, to attend to.”
What is God saying to you today? Can you hear Him? Listen, He is saying, “Will you allow Me to be the Lord of hosts in your life?” Many Christians do not have a philosophy by which they live—no objectives or goals. One positive thing I can say about my life is that I am focused. When God tells me to do something, nothing in this world can persuade me not to do it. Why is that important? Because many people miss the blessings of God by allowing themselves to be distracted. They stop focusing on God and turn their attention to something else.
Encourage yourself in the Lord. In 1 Samuel 30:6, we read that although David was greatly distressed, he encouraged himself in the Lord. Let me ask you this: Who says we must depend upon each other for encouragement? The world around us is totally co-dependent; it knows nothing of the Good Father’s Word and His ability to encourage and strengthen us. There is a dynamic truth in the Lord Jesus Christ and in His Word that you learn when you are discouraged. Let me give you an example: When you die, I can’t do anything about it. No one can carry you through the valley of the shadow of death, except Jesus. This is a private matter between you and Him. You can reach out to people for support, but there is a great difference in having a support system and being co-dependent. Encourage yourself in the Lord.
Ephesians 3:16 says, “That he would grant YOU, according to the riches of his glory, to be strengthened with might by his Spirit in the inner man.” Verse 20 says, “Now unto HIM that is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us” (capitalization added). One of the main reasons some Christians live in continual defeat is because they are ignorant regarding the sovereignty of Christ. They have not developed an intimacy with the Lord, Jesus Christ. They do not walk and talk with Him. How can you encourage yourself in the Lord? The only way is to spend time with Him.
You cannot be encouraged in the Lord if you are not nurturing your relationship with Him. You encourage yourself when you are walking with the Lord. If you are going to walk in the Kingdom of God on a daily basis, you cannot make the church or any individual your source. You cannot make your wife or your husband your source. No one can be your source but the Lord. If you make the Lord your Source, you will have a breakthrough. Encourage yourself.
Get alone and begin quoting Scripture and saying the same thing that God says about you. The fruits of the Spirit are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control; they are not rejection, a bitter attitude, or a desire to play childish games with people. Love will begin to flow from you—unconditional love. There will be peace, a contentment that comes when you are settled, a sense of calm, a quietness or stillness in your spirit…and there will be strength. Why? You have encouraged yourself in the Lord. You have built yourself up by your relationship with Jesus.
What is forgiveness? Simply stated, it is giving up my right to hurt someone else for having hurt me. Forgiveness, like the law of gravity, is one of the foundational principles God has woven into the fabric of our universe. We can choose not to forgive, just as we can choose to ignore the laws of gravity, but we do so at our own peril. Forgiveness means bestowing freedom instead of the punishment my abuser deserves. Forgiveness means giving love and understanding when the enemy expects only hatred and revenge. Forgiveness means turning over to God my desires to blame, defame, and punish my offender. I cannot be released from my offender or from the anger-arousing, shame-evoking, esteem-shattering memories connected with his/her offenses against me until I accept wholeheartedly God’s way of forgiveness. Forgiveness is a releasing, transforming experience.
Time spent tending the foul crop of hatred, resentment, and grudges is time spent in futile, senseless pain. So hurry to forgive as soon as you are offended, before the first root of bitterness begins to take hold. Even though you extend love and forgiveness to your offender, you have no guarantee that you will not receive evil in return. Jesus commanded us to love our enemies, and love is not some temporary strategy or a clever form of manipulation. Love is supposed to be the Christian’s way of life.
When we extend forgiveness and show love, we have no guarantee that our offender will repent or beg our forgiveness, but we are not responsible for the offender’s actions. We are only accountable for our own. We must beware of pressuring ourselves or others to forgive and forget. Forgiving does not change the past. Facts are facts; events happened. The past cannot be altered, but when we truly trust God’s promise that He makes all things work together for good, the meaning of the past can be changed, and the painful sting can be removed from our memories.
We must not struggle to hasten the process of healing by attempting to force forgetfulness. Stubbornly insisting that forgetting must come first is like trying to pass the final exam before you have enrolled in the course. Constantly fretting and trying to forget just short-circuits and undercuts the healing process. Although God sometimes heals instantly, removing all the pain, guilt, and grief in one miraculous moment, for most of us, the healing process takes time. You and I can will ourselves to forgive, but only God can make us forget. And what is it that we forget? The memories themselves? Probably not. But God helps us forget the raw, stinging pain of those memories.
Gradually, the memories that pop into our minds begin to decrease in frequency and intensity. No longer do we constantly recall, rehash, and relive the events. Instead, as the healing process nears completion and the last of the poison is drawn from our souls, we find ourselves occasionally recalling the memories but in a vague, detached sort of way, almost as if the experiences had happened to someone else. They no longer have the power to infect or agitate. If you have been unable to escape the pain of the past, take a moment to meditate on these beautiful words from missionary Amy Carmichael:
“If I say, ‘Yes, I forgive, but I cannot forget,’ as though the God, who twice a day washes all the sands on all the shores of all the world, could not wash such memories from my mind, then I know nothing of Calvary love.” Never doubt that your Good Father can perform that wonderful, cleansing work within you.
